How Can I Make Myself Happier?

Happiness comes and goes. It can be fleeting. But if we know what creates happiness, then we can be in that state more often.

Four Happiness Killers

1. Expectations. These can be internal or subconscious ideas of what we think should happen. Or they could be voiced out loud. If you loved me, you would spend more time with me/stop working so much/do more around the house, etc. Expectations can even be beliefs of how the world should be and when that doesn’t happen, it creates unhappiness. This is worrying about what someone else should be doing instead of taking charge of the one thing you can control, yourself.

2. Judgment. Do you “should” yourself? I should lose weight. I should have said such-and-such when he was rude to me. I should stand up for myself better. Judgment can be a big happiness killer. Whatever we accept becomes real. It is by our own acceptance that we create our inner reality.

3. Distractions. Compulsive behaviours to occupy and distract. Social media, TV, gaming, binge eating. This avoidance relies on dopamine secreting activities to feel better. Yet it’s very temporary, often leaving us feeling worse over time.

4. Mind chatter. Learning to distinguish the difference between judgmental mind chatter and our own internal wisdom.

Four Happiness Boosters

1. Connection. A sense of belonging. Having people in our lives that are available, understand and appreciate us.

2. Purpose. This gets you out of bed in the morning. Something you enjoy doing that’s gratifying and benefits others.

3. Growth. Improving yourself. Learning new things.

4. Self-care. Taking care of your body with nutritious food and exercise you’re willing to do regularly. Self-soothing behaviours that work for you like sitting in the sun, reading for pleasure, or a hobby.

What provides me with a sense of well-being and happiness?

This is a question to ask yourself.

For some, creativity is important. Making something beautiful or wonderful to bring into the world like art or baking. For some, it’s getting outside and walking in nature, feeling connected to the earth. For others, it might be talking to people.

For myself, I find it rewarding to be observant when I'm out and make authentic comments on things that might make another person feel good. I might compliment someone on a scarf

they’re wearing or their hair style. Or I might say, “your child looks so happy,” or “you’re handling the busyness of your job really well.” I might ask someone in the checkout line what they think of a product they’re buying that I haven’t tried yet. This helps me to be in the moment and feel connected to the world.

To get started, shift your attention from compulsive behaviours and focus on happiness boosters. These don't secrete as much dopamine, though. So at first, you will feel that nagging pull to check your phone, or go on Amazon, or snack when you’re not hungry. Aim for moderation not perfection.

Is it even realistic to be happy all the time?

Some forms of happiness come from a big achievement, like home renovations or going back to school for a degree. Or they involve difficulty, like learning some new. These ongoing efforts are not all sunshine and roses. But knowing we’re making progress can create overall happiness despite the inevitable bad days.

Why is it so hard to stay happy?

Living a well-rounded fulfilling life can be quite a challenge. There can be many factors working against you. Grief. Loss. Illness. Mind chatter that erodes self-confidence.

Therapy can help. If you’re looking for support, consider contacting us to see what therapy can do for you.